Roger That

This post would be better if I knew someone named Roger.

I cannot say that the feelings have changed much. In fact, they haven't at all.
It's SO not fair for me to be jealous when I have someone to make him jealous.

Change of subject:
I have begun to try my hand at lyrical poetry.

I'm not sure if I'm confident enought to post any of it right now but just know: I have been writing it :)

Oh hey!
Magic Spell Party tonight!

There will be glitter and lace on this girl tonight...and perhaps the smell of alcohol.

I couldn't be more excited.

I am posting random shit right now.

Where should I attend theatre school?

Space Bound

I should've fucking stuck it out.

Pretentious

Well, hello.
How do you do, old acquaintance?
I would like to call you friend but I feel like I haven't spent enough time with you to be calling you on a first-name basis.

Right now I am sitting at Kat's house discussing "The Nature of Reality" and other such philosophical beliefs.

I'm realizing that I'm rather interested in philosophy and ethics.
I'm currently enrolled in Biomedical Ethics and it is my favorite class. Jim keeps saying that we're in the boring chapter (Consequentialism, Kantism, etc.) but I love it!

I realize more and more how interested I am in the fundamentals of things.
That could either be a positive thing or negative thing. But I think it just is.

Maybe Kat and I are both pretentious.

YIELD

I just want to say I feel sort of lame for using road signs as my last two post titles...Inge Fest all over again.

Oh. I wrote a song. I'll write the lyrics but of course it's better with guitar ;)

"1, 2, 3"
By Me

Open up your mouth and the light exploding
We're riding sphynxes through a changing sky
Honest Abe trying to take over
Until an alligator happens by

Confusing springtime, no one gives a damn
Take your pick, hotboxing on back highways
Take a fiery picture, burn it in your retinas
Turn it up please, Silver soundwaves

Supernova taking over (2x)

Take a number, take one please.
Add em up now - 1, 2, 3
My heart is a gun aimed at yours
Once I'm gone love is chore

Supernova taking over (2x)

Dark dormrooms and open blinds
First time smoking a joint with you
I'm on fire, it's burning in my kneecaps
Please don't tell me that we're through

Supernova taking over (3x)


So....it looks super lame written down. But it tells a story.

I'm kinda at the point right now where I'm in limbo. Again.

Mom is taking me and my cousin Heather to visit a christian college four hours away. We're leaving tonight and staying in Wichita tonight then heading to Haviland to Barclay college tomorrow.

I know it's like family history to go there and blah blah blah....But the stubborn part of me doesn't want to go!
Not that anyone will force me to go anywhere in particular (ha) but it's still just frustrating to have all this pressure.

The school has free tuition and I'd live on campus but considering they're a small christian college, they only offer nursing, elementary education and forms of theological study. Everybody is like yeah, but even "if you went there for one year it would be invaluable!"
I don't know what's invaluable anymore.
Or valuable.

I know my relationship with Christ is improving...
Which can mean everything or nothing.

I also know that my emotions for him are not abating much.

In the words of the great Atmosphere - "And all I could do is think about sleeping next to you."

This is a question that has been flying around my skull for a good month: Do I miss you or the way you made me feel?

Detour...

Well, huh.

I would say that things have changed and still are.
I just read Steven's blog on Love...and sex. I find it all so confusing and ridiculous, really.


I'm happy. To say I'm not would be a lie - or would it?

No. I am. I really am.
I have my family, church and life back. And my best friend. Who I'm completely in love with. Dang.

It's inevitable. And like I said before, who was I kidding besides myself? Well, him.
And the other guy. But I don't think THAT guy was really fooled.

I'm an awful liar and I know it. Do you know how many times I lied?
I hate lying but I found myself doing it. He couldn't know. That would've broken his heart. Not that I didn't manage that anyway....

But, really. Why am I always the heartbreaker?
For once, don't I deserve to have MY heart broken?? I don't want it..I really don't. But I feel like I've done my fair share and it's only a matter of time until karma kicks in.
Perhaps what I've done to myself is enough, though.

Oh man. Consequences.
That's a whole other subject.


But I should go put my scrubs on now :)

Merwin

Silence is a conversation
Full of lies, full of truth
But unclear.
Why can't you just speak?
And why can't I?
Bt that quiet, that still seeps through my eardrums, weaves its way around my nerves and synapses and engraves an image of your consciousness on the back of my eyelids.
Etch-A-Sketch.
I shake my head.
But not too hard - I don't really want you erased - Just your lines lessened.
I wish I tried harder.
I wish you did,too.

Mongrel Heart

I can't believe the things I've done. And done to you.

I don't know who I think I'm kidding sometimes.
Besides myself. I know I'm kidding myself.

I think about the l*ve word a lot.
What's the definition??

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as:

Main Entry: 1love
Pronunciation: \ˈləv\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lēof dear, Latin lubēre, libēre to please
Date: before 12th century
1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love 2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God5 : a god or personification of love6 : an amorous episode : love affair7 : the sexual embrace : copulation8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)9 capitalized Christian Science : god
— at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
— in love : inspired by affection



!!!

I don't even know if I know what love is anymore. I want to know so badly. I was talking about "agape" love with someone today. She doesn't think that humans are capable of it. I don't know.

Here I am, back to not knowing again. I thought I was sure of at least a few things recently.

I'm not.

Not at all.